Orgasms for penis owners can sometimes signal the end of sex. While orgasms are incredible, not all penis owners want the fun to end just because they climaxed. The tips below can help you extend sex through edging, focus on pleasure, and climax when you want to—and not a second before.
Redefining Pleasure
Redefining what orgasm looks like for you can be helpful as well. Some people with penises will only define an orgasm as the release that happens during ejaculation. But if you look at orgasms as something that maximizes pleasure and intimacy with your partner, you open a world of pleasurable possibilities. You don’t have to race toward the finish line because there is no finish line. Instead, you can focus on what feels good. Often, this comes in the form of edging, which looks like doing what you like for as long as possible without ejaculating. This can eliminate the refractory period and allow you to continue playing with your partner for more extended periods.
It’s important that your partner is on board for this redefinition of pleasure, as well. Your partner may feel disappointed in themselves if they don’t get you to ejaculate, so discuss the changes you want to make in your sex life before practicing edging or tantra.
Shift Away from Goal-Oriented Sex
Sometimes, sex seems to have a goal, and that goal is that the penis haver(s) ejaculate. It feels easy to have a visible objective, like ejaculation, that symbolizes the end of successful sex. Adopting this mentality is not only heteronormative, but it can also put pleasure on the back-burner for both partners.
If you must have a goal, change the goal from ejaculation to something pleasure-centered. Consider focusing on how long you and your partner can use your hands and mouths to pleasure each other without reaching orgasm. Or, try to maintain eye contact for longer than you typically would. These practices can increase intimacy and extend sexual play time, and they don’t rely on an erection for sex, which takes the pressure off your erection.
Try for a Dry Orgasm
With practice, people with penises can experience intense waves of pleasure that feel orgasmic without necessarily ejaculating. There’s a difference between sexual excitement, which can lead to ejaculation, and sexual pleasure, which doesn’t have to lead to ejaculation—and the longer you delay it, the more fun you and your partner can experience. Creams and medications can help numb your genitals which can extend how long you last, but they lessen your enjoyment rather than increase it, which is not the goal. It’s not an easy skill to learn, but it’s worth it.
Staying sober is key to having orgasmic pleasure without ejaculation. Keeping a clear head makes it easy to get up to the threshold of ejaculation without crossing it until you and your partner are ready. Substance use may make orgasm impossible, but that’s different than honing the skill of extending sexual pleasure with your partner.
Connecting with Intention
Emotional connection is another foundational element of edging mindfully. Getting pleasure from your partner’s gratification can help you stay committed to the practice, even when you desperately want release. But it’s something you can practice on your own, too. Delaying ejaculation during masturbation can create more intense pleasure and give you the option of lasting longer when you do have partnered sex.
Emotional intelligence is clutch. If you already have a mindfulness practice, you may be able to respond intentionally rather than reactively. Mindfulness allows you to choose how you react to life’s many situations, including sex. Taking your mindfulness practice into the bedroom means that you can take your time responding to your partner’s sexual energy by taking a break to cool off, changing activities, or slowing down the pace to delay ejaculation. Understanding your sexual responses can give you profound insight into your turn-ons, turn-offs, and what brings you the most pleasure in the bedroom. Further, this will allow you more control over your erection and prevent premature ejaculation. For more info on that, be sure to check out my video:
Consult an Expert
Working with a trusted sex therapist can help push your sex skills over the edge. When you’re ready, contact me.
Bio: Dr. Nazanin Moali is a clinical psychologist and sex therapist in the Los Angeles area. She works with various individuals to understand and improve their sexuality. Dr. Moali conducts personal consultation sessions in her Torrance and Hermosa Beach offices, or via a secure, online video-counseling platform. Click here to take the sex quiz for women.