Most people know the basics of consent when you’re newly dating someone: find out what they’re into and what they’re not before you get started, ask what they want to do right now, and then keep monitoring their responses during sex.
But consent is a lifelong activity, and it becomes a trickier issue when you’re in a long-term relationship and one partner wants more sex and the other does not. When does initiating sex become emotional pressure or manipulation? When does rejecting sex weaponize it? Let’s talk about how to have healthy consent in a long-term relationship.
Making Room for Growth
Change is inevitable when you’re with your partner for a long time. Who your partner was when you got together will not be who they are in a decade—and that’s a good thing. You probably want your partner to change and grow emotionally, so you should encourage the same in the bedroom.
Growing sexually as individuals and as a couple is good for your sex life in the long run. Exploration and novelty can be lifesavers if your sex life becomes stale. So, if your partner mentions new things they’d like to try, be supportive and open-minded while maintaining your boundaries when necessary. Keep a curious attitude and leave judgment behind because bringing up their new sexual interests can be an intimidating and vulnerable conversation.
Making Room for Difficult Times
When you’re with someone for a long time, there are bound to be situations that affect your sex life, many of which you have no control over. You or your partner may develop a chronic illness, lose a loved one, endure a mental health issue, or sustain an injury that makes sex less of a priority, at least for one of you.
In these cases, it’s crucial that the other partner exercise empathy toward their partner. Understand that this is temporary and give them the space they need. Taking care of your needs with masturbation is a great way to keep you both happy, at least for the short-term. Don’t start counting the weeks (or months) since you’ve had sex and rub it in their face, but let your partner know that you are attracted to them and ready for your sex life to restart when they feel healed enough to re-engage.
Taking a Closer Look at Your Sex Drive
There is an idea that sex is a need. And in a certain way, sexual connection is a need. But giving too much credence to that idea is dangerous as well. It can take away responsibility and culpability from sexual offenders and make people believe that their sex drive is impossible to turn off or control. Treating sex drive as a biological necessity in a long-term relationship can make the person with lower desire feel an incredible amount of pressure. That pressure will make sex seem like an obligation and kill their desire completely.
It’s crucial to get to know your own sex drive. Do you feel shame when you become aroused? Do you ever feel out of control when you get turned on? Identifying these experiences can help you gain insight into your desires and turn-offs. Plus, you can begin to accept the things you like, and you may even learn that what you want is more common than you thought. This process can help you advocate for yourself sexually while understanding that your sexual satisfaction doesn’t fall solely on your partner’s shoulders.
Managing your sexual health on your own is essential. Knowing and taking care of yourself takes the pressure off your partner during periods of less sex. Further, it can make you feel empowered. Identify the things you want more and less of in your sex life and discuss them with your partner when sex is off the table, like during a dinner date or when you’re out for a walk.
Lastly, schedule intimate activities even if you’re going through a period of sexlessness. Ensuring that you maintain a good level of affection during difficult times together can keep your bond strong. Better yet, this can prevent your partner from feeling like any physical contact is a bid for sex and keep you close even during sexlessness.
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Bio: Dr. Nazanin Moali is a clinical psychologist and sex therapist in the Los Angeles area. She works with various individuals to understand and improve their sexuality. Dr. Moali conducts personal consultation sessions in her Torrance and Hermosa Beach offices, or via a secure, online video-counseling platform. Click here to take the sex quiz for women.