As our culture learns to be inclusive of more sexualities, many people are questioning their own. Leaning into experimentation to find out where your boundaries are is a good, healthy activity. You may also wonder if your partner is bisexual or even gay. More people are having their spouses come out as gay or transgender than ever! If you’re experiencing confusion or anxiety about your partner’s sexuality, below are some tips on how to educate yourself and support them.
What It Means to Be Gay/Lesbian, Bisexual/Pansexual, or Trans
If your partner is attracted to people who don’t share your gender, it’s not time to panic. It’s time to learn more about what that means for you and your relationship. Below are some guidelines so that you feel more comfortable with the definitions.
Gay/lesbian: if your partner is gay or lesbian, it means they are either a male attracted to males or a female attracted to females. In this case, they would seek out sex solely with partners of the same gender.
Bisexual or Pansexual: Bisexuality spans a broad spectrum of sexualities, and it includes people who are attracted sexually to both men and women. Pansexual people are attracted to people of any gender. There is a large spectrum, and some bisexual or pansexual people may be fully interested in having sex with people of many genders. In contrast, others may have an attraction or flirtation and not want to take things any further. Both are valid!
You may recall that men used to identify as “heteroflexible” rather than bisexual. The idea is routed in fear and the term isn’t widely used anymore as bisexual is more accurate. Our culture tends to catastrophize penetrative sex and categorize men who are interested in other men as gay rather than giving them the flexibility to be bisexual.
To be clear, the only thing that makes you gay is attraction and sexual desire for the same sex. Enjoying anal sex, anal toys, or anything else does not make you gay. If your partner is interested in trying anal sex or pegging, that has nothing to do with their sexuality and everything to do with them wanting to try new things with you. When they trust you with this information, it can help deepen your intimacy. For more insight on how to ignite intimacy, check out my video below:
When Your Partner Wants to Explore
There are many reasons that your partner might want to explore their sexuality further. They may just be realizing the full expanse of their attractions and want to be free to see where they lead. Be introspective about your core values and prioritize your emotional safety before deciding how you will proceed.
If your partner is realizing a new part of their sexuality, it doesn’t have to mean the end of the relationship. When they open up to you, it’s crucial to help your partner keep shame at bay, as they may be experiencing a lot of unfounded embarrassment, especially if they grew up in a religious household.
You may want to consider opening the relationship so that you can have sex with people outside the partnership. This step can help the longevity of your relationship if you are both enthusiastic about the prospect. Keep in mind that an open relationship doesn’t have to be permanent—you can try it out and stop it if it doesn’t work for you. If you can’t agree on what you want your fidelity to look like going forward, staying together and maintaining boundaries that feel true and fair to both of you will be trickier.
Sex Doesn’t Equal Sexuality
Sometimes, people may engage in sex without being interested in the person they’re having sex with on any level or having any sexual attraction toward them. They may not even feel sexual satisfaction during the act. This frequently happens during trauma reenactment, where someone who was sexually assaulted tries to recreate the situation in an instance where they can exert control and bodily autonomy. If this is the case, it’s vital that your partner talk with a therapist.
Others may be sex workers who are paid to entertain people of all genders without regard to their own sexuality. In those cases, people may have sex with people of genders that they aren’t sexually attracted to.
Finding a Way Forward
The best place to have difficult conversations is often in a therapist’s office, where an impartial expert can guide you toward connection and away from emotional minefields. If that’s what you need, contact me for a consultation.
Bio: Dr. Nazanin Moali is a clinical psychologist and sex therapist in the Los Angeles area. She works with various individuals to understand and improve their sexuality. Dr. Moali conducts personal consultation sessions in her Torrance and Hermosa Beach offices, or via a secure, online video-counseling platform. Click here to take the sex quiz for women.