When things get tough in a relationship, sex is usually the first casualty in the battle. But if this goes on for too long, it can become a longstanding dynamic. Many partners are guilty of withholding sex as punishment for misbehaving partners. If this feels like a toxic sexual dynamic in your relationship, here’s how to keep your sex life alive even when you’re feeling disconnected.
Arguments and Sex
Everyone has had an experience of looking forward to sex with their partner and then having their desire derailed by an unexpected argument. It’s always important to honor when you don’t feel like having sex, and it’s crucial to prioritize your partner’s consent. But if you find your relationship in a spiral where smaller and smaller setbacks seem like sufficient reasons to put off sex, you might want to change course.
Constant rejection will eventually feel like contempt to the partner initiating sex, and the partner who doesn’t want to have sex may feel disdain for their partner even asking about sex. Unfortunately, this is a direct path toward an unhappy marriage, especially if it’s not a temporary or mutual decision.
Part of the problem is that many people, often those who were raised as women, feel like sex is just one more thing that they do for their partners. After a long day of facing uneven emotional workloads and perhaps exhaustion from child-raising, the last thing they may want to do is have sex with their partner. But if you have a healthy sex life, you may want to choose sex for self-care. Making orgasms and emotional connection a part of your life has been repeatedly shown to be good for your mental and emotional health—not to mention your relationship.
If you don’t enjoy sex with your partner, that’s another problem altogether, and you may want to work on making orgasms a part of your sex life.
The Results of Long-Term Rejection
If one partner declines sex for a long time, at some point, the other partner will stop initiating. They may feel unattractive, isolated, or invisible when the other continues to say no. Years of rejection can impact the initiating partner’s desire, too.
Unfortunately, sexlessness is all too common. Even if that’s where your relationship is, it’s not too late to find ways to bring back the sensual aspects of your relationship. Watch the video below to discover some of the lesser-known effects of a sexless relationship:
How to Bring Sex Back, Even When It’s Difficult
Talking to your partner about what sex means to them can help you explore options for continuing the sensuality in your relationship, even when things are rocky. Sex may represent a sense of connection, a burst of affection, or even a reminder that you’re not just roommates. Finding ways to replace these forms of connection until you are ready to have sex again can show your partner that you love them and want to show them you care even during a fight.
Sometimes, it can be helpful to remember that your partner has legitimate problems with you, too. You have to approach your sex life as if you are on a team rather than opponents, or it will be tough to make meaningful progress. If both of you can regulate your emotions for the health of your relationship, you will be able to weather storms more easily.
Healing the Dynamic of Weaponized Sex
Sometimes, the conversation about your sex life is charged and difficult for the two of you to navigate. If that’s you, consider talking to a trusted professional who can help guide you back to a healthy sex life. Contact me for a free consultation.
Bio: Dr. Nazanin Moali is a clinical psychologist and sex therapist in the Los Angeles area. She works with various individuals to understand and improve their sexuality. Dr. Moali conducts personal consultation sessions in her Torrance and Hermosa Beach offices, or via a secure, online video-counseling platform. Click here to take the sex quiz for women.