Many people wonder whether their sexual fantasies are typical—and where they come from. Even those you might consider weird are likely more common than you think. Let’s talk about where your fantasies came from and some of the most normal things to fantasize about.
What’s Behind Your Fantasies
People are complicated and so are their fantasies. The roots of these fantasies don’t have a single cause. Rather, they are intricate and nuanced, just like our personalities.
Some factors that affect what you’re into can be your age, the culture you grew up in, relationship status, and sexual experience. Psychological factors like your capacity for empathy, attachment style, and extroversion versus introversion can make a difference, but not always in the way you imagine. In fantasies, we can dream up whatever we want, so an introvert may fantasize about an orgy. Or perhaps they lean into their introversion and may fantasize about voyeurism. It depends on their temperament and what turns them on. Deeper psychological needs may influence these preferences, too, like whether you have an unmet need to feel admired, desired, or competent.
Common Sexual Fantasies
Normalizing sexual fantasies can help ease your anxiety about what you think about during self-pleasure. Below are some of the most common types of sexual fantasies.
Sex With Multiple People
If a gangbang or an orgy fantasy gets you going, you’re in good company. Having sex with multiple people is a popular fantasy—which explains why these are such a mainstay in porn. What’s so exciting about this idea? For one, the people might be strangers, adding an element of the unknown. Next, having sex with more than one person at once allows you to have more than one erogenous zone stimulated at once and to be able to pleasure two people simultaneously. The more, the merrier is a common sentiment during self-pleasure, and you can rest assured that it’s completely normal.
Power Exchange
BDSM, kink, and other power-exchange fantasies have become an everyday part of sexuality. Some people love the idea of giving up control and letting another person take the reins. Others want to dominate someone and decide their every move. Both are normal and healthy fantasies.
The Great Unknown
Fantasizing about situations you’ve never experienced before is a common turn-on. Maybe you want to try something daring, like having sex in a public place. Or maybe you just want to try a new position. Thinking about something you’ve never done before is a great way to understand things you might like to do in the future. Imagining different scenarios allows you to mentally try them on and learn more about what you want and what you don’t. Sometimes, novelty is interesting because you feel tempted to do what you’ve been told not to. Taboo activities have been sexually appealing since the dawn of sex, and it’s a widespread sexual fantasy.
Telling Your Partner About Your Fantasies
Sharing your sexual fantasies can help you experience more pleasure in the bedroom because you may be able to incorporate elements of your fantasy life into your real sex life. These conversations can be tricky, and it’s essential to approach the issue with your partner’s well-being in mind. They are worth having because they can reignite a sexual spark in your relationship. For more information about how to ignite the spark, check out my video below:
First, it’s not always a great idea to tell your partner everything you think about sexually. Fantasies that exclude your partner or bring in new people to the relationship can be detrimental to share, especially in a monogamous or rocky relationship. Group sex, though a common sexual fantasy, can bring on feelings of jealousy and betrayal if you share them carelessly. Bringing up other people, especially specific people you both know, can be a minefield and insensitive to your partner.
Start with fantasies that validate your relationship and include your partner. Then, gradually talk about your wilder fantasies. Don’t jump in at the deep end! Talking about your partner’s sexual boundaries is important, too, and so is having a foundation of trust before bringing up your sexual fantasies. Creating an environment of emotional safety is a critical first step before jumping into this conversation. It’s also important to reassure your partner that your sexual fantasies don’t necessarily need to become a part of your sex life. Some fantasies are meant to stay in your imagination, and it’s crucial to separate those from the ones that you would like to act out.
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Bio: Dr. Nazanin Moali is a clinical psychologist and sex therapist in the Los Angeles area. She works with various individuals to understand and improve their sexuality. Dr. Moali conducts personal consultation sessions in her Torrance and Hermosa Beach offices, or via a secure, online video-counseling platform. Click here to take the sex quiz for women.