Realizing that your partner masturbates can strike a blow to your self-esteem. This reaction is especially common when it comes as a surprise. But what does it mean when your partner masturbates? Let’s talk about whether solo pleasure can be part of a healthy relationship.
The Myth of Normal Masturbation
Studies have shown that most people masturbate, which leads many to wonder: how much masturbation is normal? The reality is that there isn’t a hard and fast rule about how many times or how long of a solo session is normal. There’s no objective line to cross at which point you’ve gone from normal to abnormal. However, some behaviors can be quantified as healthy, while others might not.
A pleasure-centered attitude can help reduce the shame people may feel about how often they masturbate. Rather than wondering whether there’s something wrong with you, it’s much more sex-positive to celebrate how much pleasure you have within your life. And internalized guilt can prevent you from experiencing the many benefits that masturbation confers.
How Masturbation Is Beneficial
Self-pleasure isn’t intrinsically detrimental—rather, the opposite is true. It has health benefits for the individual, and it can also be good for your relationship. First, it can help you foster an individual sexual identity. It reminds you that you are still an individual, even while in a relationship. It can relieve the pressure on your partner to have more sex than they want to, especially if they have lower desire levels than you do. Masturbation can reduce stress and promote relaxation, improve the quality of your sleep and mood, and feel incredible. Orgasms are good for your body and brain—and the more you can have, the better.
What Masturbation Means for Your Relationship
If masturbation is complicating your relationship, it’s frequently because one of the partners feels that masturbation is harmful. Masturbation may make them feel uncomfortable or insecure, so masturbating can trigger a fight. Some people may feel like they should be the only source of sexual pleasure for their partner once they’re in a relationship. But not only is this difficult, it’s often impossible.
Meeting all of your partner’s sexual needs is noble in theory, but most people have times when they aren’t physically around their partner or they are sick or not in the mood. In those cases, both people will be happier if you and your partner are comfortable with masturbation. Relieving anxiety about masturbation will involve the apprehensive partner working on their security and self-esteem within the relationship so that they don’t feel anxious or betrayed when masturbation occurs.
However, sometimes masturbation creates a problem within the relationship. This situation occurs when masturbation is used as a substitute for sex and intimacy, which can leave the other partner feeling replaced and sexually dissatisfied. For a deeper understanding of how to solve a lack of intimacy with your partner, watch my video below:
Overcoming this barrier involves an open conversation about your expectations for your sex life. Sometimes, masturbation is a healthy way to fill in the gap in your levels of desire, and it can help you stay in a monogamous relationship and feel fulfilled even though your partner doesn’t have the same libido you do. Honest communication about your expectations is a necessity.
Further, you should discuss what kind of communication you need around masturbation. The more open you can be, the less likely it is that self-pleasure will feel like a betrayal to your partner. You are always entitled to privacy but it’s also important that your privacy doesn’t bleed into secrecy.
If you feel your fantasy life or porn watching keeps you more interested in solo pleasure than partnered sex, consider mixing it up. Ask your partner if they would be willing to try out some of your fantasies with you. Or watch porn with your partner, and have them pick the genre.
Prioritizing Your Relationship
If you want help strengthening your relationship, working with a couples therapist is an excellent way to begin. Contact me today!
Bio: Dr. Nazanin Moali is a clinical psychologist and sex therapist in the Los Angeles area. She works with various individuals to understand and improve their sexuality. Dr. Moali conducts personal consultation sessions in her Torrance and Hermosa Beach offices, or via a secure, online video-counseling platform. Click here to take the sex quiz for women.