Between 10-30% of women experience pain during sex. Painful sex can not only obliterate the chances of reaching orgasm, but it can also lead to sex avoidance. The good news is that sexual pain is treatable. Below are some tips on getting started.
Talk to Your Doctor
Due to the stigma around sex, many people are reluctant to bring up sexual symptoms with their doctor for fear of being labeled broken or being diagnosed with an STI. Unfortunately, even some women who mention the symptoms to their doctor may be shut down due to their doctor not having the proper training or being uncomfortable broaching the subject. Others might get incorrect information, like being told that pain during sex is normal and will probably resolve on its own. The truth is that wine and lube aren’t going to cure painful sex and that sex should never be painful. Luckily, there are some steps you can take that may help, but you should first try to talk to your doctor, even if you don’t get the answer you want.
Pencil In More Time for Sex
What’s true for most people with vaginas is true for people who have pain during sex: taking time for foreplay helps. What’s worse is that rushing into intercourse can be disastrous. Not only can it lead to excruciating pain, but it could also lead to injury. So, take foreplay seriously and ask your partner about their arousal levels well before considering penetration.
Try Something New
Sexual activities that don’t include penetration may be more comfortable for your partner. Trying different ways to connect intimately is an excellent idea, even if the pain isn’t short-term. It can shake up your sexual routine and lead you both to find new pathways to climax. When your partner is dealing with sexual pain is the ideal time to level up your oral skills or learn to give erotic massages.
Causes of Sexual Pain
Before you can solve sexual pain, you need to find out what’s causing it. Sexual pain can originate in many ways. It could be biological, related to a medication you’re taking or due to the natural processes of menopause. Vaginismus is another cause of sexual pain that can make intercourse extremely painful or even impossible. Somewhat surprisingly, sexual trauma doesn’t often cause pain, but it can in certain instances. When the cause is medical, pelvic floor specialists can sometimes help you work through it. Finding an OB/GYN you trust is critical, too.
The causes of sexual pain reach beyond the merely medical—sexual pain can arise from trouble within your relationship. If there has been a breach of trust, it can mean that your partner no longer wants sex and the body reacts accordingly. Or, perhaps they haven’t been receiving the same pleasure they’ve been giving during sex, which breeds resentment. The body can act as a protective barrier and shut down due to these emotional factors.
Further, what started as a medical concern (like endometriosis) could also result in a psychological issue. If you continually have sex when it hurts, this may affect your self-esteem or harm your relationship. You may even have a fear of sex. The reverse is also true. If you have difficulty being present with your partner, feel shame about what turns you on, or have other sexual issues, you can end up with physical pain or an injury.
Your Partner
Pain during sex can have an impact on your partner, too. Most people won’t be turned on by causing you pain. If you’ve been having pain during sex for a while, your partner may struggle with temporary erectile unpredictability or other libido issues. It’s crucial to be honest about what’s going on with you for the sake of your relationship.
Work With a Professional
If you’d like expert help working through painful sex, contact me for a free consultation today.
Bio: Dr. Nazanin Moali is a clinical psychologist and sex therapist in the Los Angeles area. She works with various individuals to understand and improve their sexuality. Dr. Moali conducts personal consultation sessions in her Torrance and Hermosa Beach offices, or via a secure, online video-counseling platform. Click here to take the sex quiz for women.