Fantasizing about sex can help you learn what turns you on and increase your libido. The good news is that fantasies aren’t things you’re born with, that either you have or you don’t. Even if it feels awkward initially, the more you fantasize, the easier it will become. Your brain is the connecting piece that can take sex from something that feels good for your body to something that becomes an overwhelming sensory experience. It’s just like a muscle that needs exercise. The first few workouts are difficult, but it becomes more natural the more often you do it. You can cultivate a rich, fulfilling, erotic fantasy life with just a few tips.
Getting Started
Fantasies are connected to your hormone levels. That’s why it might have seemed easier to let your imagination run wild when you were younger, but as you age, it becomes something you need to do with intention. You don’t have to create your sexual fantasies from scratch. Instead, you can take some inspiration from erotic material that already exists.
A great place to start is by watching porn or reading erotica that you think you might enjoy. But don’t simply copy and paste the activities happening in the porn; use your imagination! Begin to daydream about what would make the situation hotter for you. Maybe you’d like it to take place in a different location, like on a beach or somewhere you might get caught. Or perhaps you’d like it to happen with a couple of people instead of just one. These ideas can help you start your own sexual wish list.
Making It Personal
Though some fantasies tend to be more popular than others, no one idea will work for everyone. When cultivating your fantasy life, you’ll learn about what you like and what you don’t. Look for themes in the searches you do for porn or erotica, and you’ll understand what specific things turn you on. The more you learn about your turn-ons, the better, because you’ll have a lot of material to fantasize about.
A good way to understand what elements you need in a fantasy for it to turn you on is to think about something that doesn’t typically turn you on. Then think of any aspects that you could add to the fantasy that would make it erotic for you if any. For instance, if a threesome doesn’t turn you on, but you would enjoy it if you were watching your partner, you may be into voyeurism—if only during your fantasy and not in real life.
Turn Off Your Judgements
Fantasies are just meant to turn you on—they aren’t meant to be linked to more significant questions about morality. They also don’t need to be something you would enjoy in real life. If you feel your fantasy is questionable, stop listening to your inner critic. Many women have fantasies about rape or coercion, and it has nothing to do with endorsing those behaviors in real life. Enjoy them and know that your fantasies don’t say anything about your character. It’s important not to yuck your own yum!
You don’t have to know why you find something hot. The fantasies you find strange are probably much more normal and healthy than you think. The truth is that shame can completely dismantle libido, so do your best not to judge your fantasies—especially the ones you would never act on in real life.
Keeping sexual fantasies at the forefront of your mind can help you stay in the mood and prevent your relationship from becoming sexless. If your relationship is already sexless, watch my video for more information:
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Bio: Dr. Nazanin Moali is a clinical psychologist and sex therapist in the Los Angeles area. She works with various individuals to understand and improve their sexuality. Dr. Moali conducts personal consultation sessions in her Torrance and Hermosa Beach offices, or via a secure, online video-counseling platform. Click here to take the sex quiz for women.