Shame affects so many people, and sexual shame can be the most difficult to overcome. Whether yours comes from religious upbringing or is something you picked up during childhood, use my tips below to find out how to move on from sexual shame.
Where Sexual Shame Comes From
Embarrassment about sexual topics and desires doesn’t always show up as someone shaming you overtly. Your parents don’t have to say that your sexual desires are shameful for you to learn that lesson during childhood. Often, the silence surrounding a subject can contribute to shame. Maybe your parents never discussed sexuality with you, changed the channel whenever a gay character appeared on TV, or rolled their eyes when someone was dressed provocatively. These nonverbal cues convey shameful messages about sexuality that children will inherit as their own when they grow up.
What Sexual Shame Does to Your Body
Experiencing shame throws your body into fight-or-flight mode, and your mind goes along for the ride, too. You can’t focus on sensual touch or arousal because your body believes there is a threat. Shame can completely interrupt your libido, making it nearly impossible to reach climax or enjoy sex.
The opposite of fight-or-flight mode is the feeling of safety. Shame can mean you don’t feel emotionally safe with yourself or your desires. And overcoming that can help you access sexual pleasure and satisfaction that you could have never imagined. Sexual shame doesn’t stand a chance if you can generate a sense of security with your partner and inside your own skin.
You can also call out your shaming thoughts. When you have one, you could respond out loud or in your head. Picture a stranger saying the same thing to you to put into perspective how hard you are on yourself. Then, respond by saying, “I used to think that way, but now I have more information.” Or you could say something such as, “You can’t speak like that to me.” This process helps you learn to create distance between yourself and these ideas rather than accepting them as truth.
Sometimes, shame can show up as erectile dysfunction. You may have such immobilizing disgust around your desire and your pleasure that reliably getting an erection becomes nearly impossible. For more information, check out this video about erectile dysfunction, no matter how old you are.
Calming Techniques to Disrupt the Sexual Shame Cycle
You can restore balance in your nervous system in a few ways. Using deep breathing techniques can give your mind the space to realize that there is no present threat that needs to be dealt with. It can help your body feel calmer, too, and give your mind the authority to focus on what it wants to focus on rather than intrusive, shaming thoughts.
Starting a meditation practice can help reduce feelings of anxiety and disgust, if not help you let go of them completely through mindfulness. Many guided meditations help you release ownership of your thoughts, so you can see them for what they are: just fleeting ideas, not necessarily representative of who you are.
Keep in mind that your nervous system is essential, and those feelings won’t go away completely. Those feelings of distress can be helpful when encountering a life-threatening situation. But you can help guide your emotions so that you don’t overreact to safe, healthy behaviors like having sex. Learning compassion for yourself can help reframe what your body needs to fear and what it should welcome.
Try Sex Therapy
A quick, science-backed way to move through shame is to work with a trusted therapist. They can help normalize your desires and give you tools to express your sexuality freely. Contact me for a free consultation today!
Bio: Dr. Nazanin Moali is a clinical psychologist and sex therapist in the Los Angeles area. She works with various individuals to understand and improve their sexuality. Dr. Moali conducts personal consultation sessions in her Torrance and Hermosa Beach offices, or via a secure, online video-counseling platform. Click here to take the sex quiz for women.