Dealing with infidelity is challenging for any couple, but most tips for getting through the crisis are intended for the person who was deceived. The person cheating is likely hurting, too, and is probably stressed about the future of their relationship. If you cheated and want help navigating, below are some tips for coping and what you can do to save your relationship.
Disclosing the Affair to Your Partner
The worst thing you can do when you’ve had an affair is to justify it or to continue hiding it. If you’re going to come clean, do it completely, and don’t lie about details as that will only erode your partner’s trust further. Be extremely cautious with the language you use when you talk about the affair. Your partner is probably feeling very vulnerable, so it’s important to describe things accurately without mentioning things that will unnecessarily hurt your partner. Leave out anything that sounds like you’re blaming your partner, even if you’ve been in a sexless relationship for a while now and that was a contributing factor in your involvement in an affair. And if your relationship is sexless, check out my video for more information:
Realize your partner may have a million questions, and be prepared to answer them. You owe them the truth. They will undoubtedly want to know how long it has been going on, why it started, and whether they need to be tested for STIs. Consider the fact that the question and answer session may best be done in the presence of a couples counselor, especially if you’re both interested in preserving the relationship. Your partner may be forever haunted by some of the answers to their questions, and hearing every single detail is often more traumatizing than it is healing. Finding a good place to end the questions is a task best relegated to a neutral third party, like the therapist, because if you put an end to the questions, it may seem like you have more to hide.
Next, know that, in some cases, you will need to restore trust in your relationship before you begin having sex again. Focusing on sex in the middle of a relationship crisis might make the situation worse. Instead, give your partner some space and time before you make efforts toward an erotic recovery.
Healing Yourself
Taking your healing seriously is crucial, so don’t let it take a backseat to your partner’s healing. The future of your relationship depends on whether you can successfully understand why you cheated and make changes in yourself as well as the relationship to safeguard it from future instances of infidelity. Neither of you wants to stay in the current form of your relationship, where one of you is lying and the other is being lied to, so you have to make drastic changes to transform your relationship completely.
Your mental health has probably suffered, too, especially when your partner is deciding whether to stay with you or leave. Finding a path forward where your behavior matches your intentions can help you ensure that long-term relationships are part of your future. Taking responsibility for your actions is empowering and can make you feel more in control of your life. Most affairs don’t start due to a combination of circumstances but rather a choice that you made to prioritize something else over the longevity of your relationship. Understanding your motivation and how it fits into the life you want is healing.
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Bio: Dr. Nazanin Moali is a clinical psychologist and sex therapist in the Los Angeles area. She works with various individuals to understand and improve their sexuality. Dr. Moali conducts personal consultation sessions in her Torrance and Hermosa Beach offices, or via a secure, online video-counseling platform. Click here to take the sex quiz for women.