If you’re in a sexless relationship, you’re certainly not alone; sexlessness is more common of a phenomenon than you might think. Worse yet, sexlessness can be a difficult cycle to break. So let’s talk about how to keep your relationship sexy for the long term and how to overcome sexlessness.
What a Sexless Relationship Looks Like
People have a lot of stereotypes in their minds about what sexless relationships look like, but they’re not always accurate. For one, many sexless relationships are incredibly loving and connected—they just no longer involve sex.
There are a lot of reasons that people can end up in a sexless relationship. Perhaps a fight never got resolved, and bitterness started to build between you. Or maybe there was a major medical issue where one person had to be nursed back to health by the other, and you never were able to let those roles go. Sometimes there is an excellent emotional bond between you, but one person has a kink or fetish that the other person isn’t interested in exploring.
Lastly, sexlessness sometimes happens because of a difference in libido levels. If one person is always the initiator, they may start to feel rejected too frequently and give up asking. On the other hand, the person who wants to have sex less can feel pressured by the initiation, which kills their sex drive right away and leads to them avoiding sex. This situation can turn into a kind of standoff, where neither party is willing to back down and work on the issue at hand. The emotions are running too high, and the stakes also feel unsurmountable. Find out more about how sexless relationships can affect men specifically in my video below:
Making Sex a Part of Your Relationship Again
Whatever the cause of your sexless relationship, both parties must be willing to address the underlying issue. Talk about your sex life sometime when you aren’t about to have sex and you aren’t in the middle of the fight. When you’re both feeling calm, perhaps on a date, mention that you’d like to find ways to be intimate with each other again.
To do so, you’ll both need to have a sense of playfulness and patience with your partner, so this will entail getting closure about any past fights. Try to work through them with the end goal of being connected to your partner again, not with the end goal of being right. Plus, getting on the same page emotionally will make reconnecting sexually much easier.
Sometimes, making a yes/no/maybe list can help inspire your sexual curiosity about each other again. You can find these easily on the Internet—just make sure the one you choose is appropriately thorough. Talk about new things you’d like to try with each other. This helps keep the focus on your future sex life rather than past sex grievances.
Another helpful strategy is to create a ritual that you both agree on for initiating sex. This can help the person who usually initiates feel less rejection since you can split the duty of initiating sex. It can also help the person who usually feels pressured by sexual initiation feel more empowered by asking for sex when they are in the mood.
You should also create a ritual for saying “no” to sex that will preserve the initiator’s feelings and maintain a sense of intimacy. Perhaps instead of saying, “I’m too tired,” which can feel abrasive, you can pick a time when you would be more inclined to have sex. Showing your commitment to ending the sexless cycle is an important step to sustaining connection.
Building a Sexy Future
Restoring sex to a sexless relationship can be an overwhelming task. Having a trusted therapist at your side can help. Contact me for a free consultation today!
Bio: Dr. Nazanin Moali is a clinical psychologist and sex therapist in the Los Angeles area. She works with various individuals to understand and improve their sexuality. Dr. Moali conducts personal consultation sessions in her Torrance and Hermosa Beach offices, or via a secure, online video-counseling platform. Click here to take the sex quiz for women.