If you’ve been diagnosed with herpes, you’re not alone. STIs are increasingly common, and with a little help, they can be simple to navigate. Herpes doesn’t mean the end of your sex life. Rather, you can have an exciting sex life after a diagnosis. Here’s how to overcome the stigma and live a joyful sex life after a herpes diagnosis.
Overcoming Stigma and Shame After an STI Diagnosis
The first hurdle to clear after a diagnosis is becoming comfortable with talking about it with others, and shame can sometimes get in the way of this step. Sometimes, this is intimidating because many people were raised with sex-negative ideas about what it means to have an STI. People may assume that you’ve slept around a lot or other hurtful, sex-shaming ideas that have no basis in reality. Herpes is a very common, manageable STI, so don’t let anyone make you feel ashamed or less-than because you have it.
If you’re nervous about telling others about it, consider joining an online support group. Chatting with others who are dealing with the same reality can help normalize it for you. And once you feel like your diagnosis is normalized, you will be better equipped to weed out people who will treat your poorly because of it. Further, you can correct people when they bring up outdated information or myths about genital herpes, which will be helpful for dismantling inaccuracies. The truth is that people will still desire you sexually regardless of your diagnosis, and after some time passes, you can become more confident with your status, and your self-esteem will return to normal.
Having Great Sex with a Herpes Diagnosis
The first step to having great sex is communication. So, you’ll need to let your partner know about your diagnosis so you can discuss ways to keep yourselves safe that you both feel comfortable with. Since you can transmit herpes even when you’re not having an outbreak (due to the skin shedding), you may want to use barriers during sex if your partner doesn’t have it as well, regardless of whether you have an outbreak.
This is true even if you’re having oral sex, as some forms of herpes come in the form of cold sores. Flavored condoms and lube can help make this a sexy part of foreplay rather than something you dread.
How to Tell Someone You Have Genital Herpes
Before having a conversation with someone for the first time about your diagnosis, you may want to do something to calm yourself. You could try meditation, a warm bath, or a hot yoga session—whatever helps you feel confident and in control of your emotions. Remember that even if they have a bad reaction to the news, it doesn’t affect your worth.
Then, set the tone for the conversation. Don’t start off apologetic, nervous, or timid. Tell them with confidence what they need to know, and then wait for them to respond. Remember that your identity has nothing to do with your diagnosis. Sometimes, if you’re not nervous, they won’t be as nervous either. If you treat it like bad news, they may gear themselves up for bad news. Ask them to go get tested together because you need to know about their medical history as well.
If they are being rude, know that you can always end the conversation and leave. You don’t deserve any sort of punishment or chastisement because of this diagnosis, so don’t listen to their negativity. However, be open to the possibility that they may have a positive reaction. If they are understanding, they may be a good match!
For more tips on how to have a healthy sex life with an STI, contact me for a free consultation today.
Bio: Dr. Nazanin Moali is a clinical psychologist and sex therapist in the Los Angeles area. She works with various individuals to understand and improve their sexuality. Dr. Moali conducts personal consultation sessions in her Torrance and Hermosa Beach offices, or via a secure, online video-counseling platform. Click here to take the sex quiz for women.