Sometimes, initiating sex is intimidating. It’s not always as smooth sailing as it looks in the movies, where both people seem to realize at the same moment that they want each other, and sex happens spontaneously. In the real world, you have to talk about it—including asking for consent and checking in with your partner about how they’re doing. Getting over the first hump can be especially scary since you will be the first to admit that you want to have sex with the other person. That’s a little bit vulnerable! Here’s how to initiate sex with ease, whether you’re with a new or long-term partner.
Initiating for the First Time
When you are bringing up the possibility of sex for the first time, there’s always the chance that you will be rejected. Unfortunately, it’s unavoidable, and there’s no script that can make rejection an impossibility. It’s a bit easier if the context of your relationship is already romantic since that means you already know the other person is interested in you. In either case, the important thing is to let the other person know you’re into them and that you’d like to get to know them sexually. Then, accept their answer no matter what it is.
Initiating Sex with Your Partner
Initiating sex with your partner is a great time to get creative. You can always be direct and to the point by asking, ‘hey, do you want to have sex?’ as you both climb into bed. But you can also have some fun with it. Consider putting on a sexy outfit, like lingerie or just something you know your partner likes. You could leave a sexy note on their nightstand or send them a spicy sext over dinner asking if they’re ready to heat things up later. Or you could leave a sex toy on your partner’s pillow to know what’s on your mind. Lastly, consider setting your bedroom up for sex. Turn on some sensual music, light candles, and offer your partner a massage. Taking time to seduce them can make all the difference.
When Your Partner Waits for You to Initiate
Many couples have fallen into certain sexual roles, where one person is always the initiator and the other is the one who is pursued. That can get exhausting for the person who must initiate, as they may feel rejected or not wanted by their partner.
Getting your partner to start the ball rolling often just takes a conversation. Your partner may not have even noticed that they don’t initiate sex, especially if their sexual needs are being met. Or your partner may have responsive desire, which means they don’t become aroused until they feel sexually wanted by their partner. If this is the case, let your partner know that sometimes the desire can show up after you begin foreplay and that you’d appreciate it if they could make an effort to initiate sex occasionally.
Other times, your partner may be dealing with unresolved issues in your relationship. They may have underlying resentment toward you for something that’s been happening, and it kills their desire completely before they can even think about initiating sex. If this is the case, the only solution is to work through your problems together. Even if you felt like the issue was settled, if it’s getting in the way of your sex life, it will cause other problems down the road, too.
Making Initiating Sex Easier
If you’d like more tips on how to upgrade your sex life, contact me for a free consultation.
Bio: Dr. Nazanin Moali is a clinical psychologist and sex therapist in the Los Angeles area. She works with various individuals to understand and improve their sexuality. Dr. Moali conducts personal consultation sessions in her Torrance and Hermosa Beach offices, or via a secure, online video-counseling platform. Click here to take the sex quiz for women.