Premature ejaculation and performance anxiety are conditions that affect a large subsection of people with penises. However, there are some tips and tricks you can use to prolong your pleasure in the bedroom and get over any pre-sex nerves so that you can have incredible intimacy with your partner.
Change the Way You Masturbate
It’s essential to change your masturbation habits if you want to change your sex life. You’ll want to tune in closely to your masturbation routine. If you ejaculate prematurely, it’s especially important that you stop rushing through self-pleasure.
Treat masturbation as preparation for sex, and only engage in behaviors that you want to bring into the bedroom. Start taking your time, and if you get close to climax, take a break for a moment. Pause, regain control, and then start again. Work up your masturbation time to the length of time that you would like to have sex. There’s no set amount of time that you have to have sex for, but the important thing is that you feel in control of yourself during sex so that your orgasm is a fun, pleasurable ending to your time together rather than a disappointing surprise. If you can prolong the time before your orgasm during masturbation, chances are that you can extend it during penetrative sex, too.
One way people try to combat premature ejaculation is by thinking of something unrelated to sex. There’s the old joke about thinking of baseball scores or about your grandma so that you don’t climax too quickly, but this isn’t always a good idea. It means you are breaking your intimate connection with your partner, and it can feel like an isolating experience rather than a bonding one. It’s always better to lean into your connection, take a break, and come back to it rather than disassociate. Changing positions can help, too, to give yourself a momentary pause.
Managing Performance Anxiety
For some people, sex conjures up big feelings of shame and nervousness. You want to please your partner, so of course you feel some butterflies in your stomach before getting started. When this happens, it’s primarily because you’re experiencing sex from the point of view of your brain rather than your body. Unfortunately, when you have performance anxiety, your brain will create worst-case scenario ideas that can completely pull you out of the mood.
What’s helpful for many people is to take a break from sex. If you lose your erection or arousal in the middle of penetrative sex, stop what you’re doing and change to a new activity. Go down on your partner for a while or grab some massage oil and rub their back. They will enjoy it, and you’ll be able to change pace and focus on their body, which will often help you realize how aroused you are. It helps you become turned-on naturally instead of trying to force it, which typically has the opposite effect.
Further, you may want to start a meditation practice as well. It sounds counterintuitive, but it helps you to be able to experience the present moment. Having clarity won’t mean that you focus on how anxious you are. Rather, you’ll be able to get inside your body and concentrate on the physical sensations rather than worrying about your performance.
Have Better Sex
Contact me for a free consultation if you want to learn more science-based tips for having great sex.
Bio: Dr. Nazanin Moali is a clinical psychologist and sex therapist in the Los Angeles area. She works with various individuals to understand and improve their sexuality. Dr. Moali conducts personal consultation sessions in her Torrance and Hermosa Beach offices, or via a secure, online video-counseling platform. Click here to take the sex quiz for women.