Gender and sexuality are two different concepts that are often conflated, but they influence our lives in varied and vast ways. Sometimes, understanding the technical explanations can help you understand others and yourself better. So, let’s clear things up, starting with some definitions.
What Sex Is
Sex is an idea that is determined at birth and reflects only our sexual attributes as related to reproduction. But even sexual reproduction isn’t straightforward; it has a past, too. Before sexual reproduction, the first organisms in existence used a cloning process to reproduce. Scientists have since theorized that sexual reproduction evolved to help shake up the gene pool to create diversity to better adapt to various threats. For humans, this means one person gestates and the other donates some genetic diversity. The reproduction process created a binary: you’re either the “gestater” or the “donator.” But, there’s so much more to sexuality than reproduction.
What Sexual Orientation Is
Sexual orientation describes to whom an individual is attracted. In reality, this is entirely unrelated to what your sex or gender is. Straight, gay, bisexual, pansexual, asexual, and many other categories of sexual attraction fall under the giant umbrella of sexual orientation.
What Gender and Gender Identity Are
Gender is a concept that also has evolved significantly. Gender encompasses the many connotations we have since attributed to the different sexes. Gender includes many untrue stereotypes and ideas that have arisen because of sociological factors. Gender involves notions like women are more emotional creatures and men are more rational—and even beliefs like women like romantic comedies while men prefer action movies.
Gender identity refers to whether or not you identify as a man or woman psychologically, emotionally, and personality-wise. If you have a penis but you relate to yourself as a woman, then your gender identity is woman.
Another identity is gender nonconforming. Gender nonconforming folks feel they don’t fit within the binary definition of gender, which is that only women and men exist. The gender binary is very restrictive and asserts that the genitals you have determine (or should determine) how you relate to yourself and whom you are attracted to. People who adhere to the gender binary believe there are only two sexes, and that those sexes determine a lot about your personality.
The Gender Binary
Our culture has been so saturated by the gender binary that it has pervaded the medical community. Let’s take the example of intersex people who are born with more than one set of genitals to varying degrees. Doctors frequently told parents of intersex children that both sets of genitals couldn’t be kept because they wouldn’t know how to parent their children, as if parenting a boy or a girl was an opposing endeavor.
The idea that we don’t know how to treat people if we can’t easily identify their gender is a systematic problem that contributes to societal ills like the pay gap between men and women, the lack of women in certain occupations, and discrimination or violence against transgender people. People in positions of power rely on distinction between race, gender, gender identity, ability, and other social classes in order to maintain and enforce their own authority. So, when they can’t tell exactly what you are by looking at you, the reaction is often hostile. If people stop entertaining the idea that men and women are relevant classifications, suddenly it becomes harder to reconcile paying women less, excluding them from opportunities, and greasing the path to success for men.
Parenting the Rainbow
Parents of kids who are gender non-conforming may find that their child is being bullied or ostracized. Fear can make otherwise open-minded and caring parents resort to trying to force their kids to conform to their assigned gender in order to avoid the bullying. The better option is to simply affirm that your home is a safe place where they can be the fullest expression of themselves, no matter how they decide to get through school.
Another issue that parents often come up against is the pervasive androcentrism. Androcentrism is the centering and overvaluing of the masculine experience, and it’s why parents find it relatively easy to raise a girl who is a tomboy compared to a feminine boy. Culturally, we find it easier to tolerate girls who don’t want to be princesses and would rather be astronauts than boys who want to be princesses—which reinforces androcentric values. It’s critical to not pass along your inherent biases to your children, so keep this in mind if you find your self objecting to your boy’s choice of feminine clothing but not your daughter’s choice of masculine clothing.
Maintaining a Working Definition of Everything
With expanded freedom comes expanded definitions. Many identities are emerging into our public lexicon that didn’t previously exist. So, how do you keep track of them all? Rather than excoriating yourself for not knowing something, ensure that you don’t assume anything. Ask the person you talk to for their pronouns; give yours in return. Ensure that your interest in and respect for the person isn’t wrapped up in their gender identity, sexual orientation, or any other factor. You’ll be surprised how willing people are to help you correctly refer to them.
Exploring Your Definitions
Knowing the vast and varied experiences that people have with gender and sexuality can be eye opening. If you feel you have some exploring to do with your gender expression or sexual orientation and you would like some guidance, reach out to a therapist who can help you play with the boundaries of your sexuality in a way that feels erotically authentic to you.
Bio: Dr. Nazanin Moali is a clinical psychologist and sex therapist in the Los Angeles area. She works with various individuals to understand and improve their sexuality. Dr. Moali conducts personal consultation sessions in her Torrance and Hermosa Beach offices, or via a secure, online video-counseling platform. Click here to take the sex quiz for women.