Bisexuality falls along a spectrum, similar to the rest of sexuality. Some people that identify as bisexual may be further toward either end of the spectrum, but some are right in the middle. However, some people may not even realize that they are bisexual until they are in a committed relationship. Luckily, with communication, this situation can be navigated without shame and can positively contribute to your sex life.
Bisexuality: What It Is and What It Isn’t
Some people wonder if they are bisexual just because they like to watch their same gender in porn or they have same-sex fantasies. However, there is a reasonably hard line between fantasy and reality. Unless you’d like to act on those fantasies in real life or have done so in the past, the kind of porn you watch doesn’t necessarily determine what your sexual orientation is.
Another misconception is that bisexual people are attracted to both genders all the time. The reality is that sexuality is often more fluid than that. You may go through periods of dating one gender, and then other periods of dating another gender, or you may fluctuate more often than that. All of these behaviors fall under the identity of bisexual. Also, it’s important to note that you don’t have to be in an open relationship if you’re bisexual—though some find an open relationship more fulfilling.
Bisexual Stigma
Bisexual stigma differs from the stigma experienced by strictly gay or lesbian folks because bisexual people often find themselves caught in between two groups of people who don’t necessarily want to include them. They don’t quite find community with straight people, and sometimes, the lesbian or gay groups aren’t particularly welcoming, either. Stigma comes from both sides, unfortunately.
Further, your bisexual identity may be received differently when you are a cis-gendered man. Often, people view a man who is at all interested in other men as gay or closeted. The idea that bisexual men exist is a new one, and bisexual men are just now beginning to gain some visibility.
But this happens for women to an extent, too. For some reason, our culture views attraction to males as sort of the defining point of someone’s sexuality. When women are attracted to men—even if they have dated women—their time with women is viewed as a phase, an experiment, or worse, something they did for attention during their younger years. When men are attracted to men, people often assume they are 100% gay. Both of these assumptions are incorrect and outdated. And, this lack of flexibility in how we view sexuality limits our understanding of the human capacity for change.
The invisibility of bisexuality is evidenced in the idea of “gay panic,” when an otherwise straight-identifying man feels attracted to another man. The notion of bisexuality is utterly overlooked, and they worry that even though they may have had numerous fulfilling sexual encounters with women, they are gay. This panic is due to our society’s shameful treatment of the LGBTQ crowd, and it can feel scary to wonder if you are a part of a group that faces daily stigma.
How to Connect With Your Bisexuality
Overcoming shame you may feel is the first step. If you don’t feel shame—that’s even better! Unfortunately, many people still do. But before you can explain to others what you are sexually interested in, you must first admit it to yourself. Don’t feel pressure to “out” yourself to everyone immediately, but do try to talk about it with the people you trust.
Next, frame your sexuality as something that you’re curious about. Try noticing who you are attracted to next time you have the chance to people-watch or turn on the television. Once you feel comfortable with your level of attraction to the same gender, you could consider dating. Don’t neglect to disclose your bisexual curiosity early on in the interaction, to avoid hurt feelings on either side.
If you realize you’re bisexual while in a committed relationship, bring this up with your partner. You could discuss opening up your relationship and how your new boundaries might look. Or, if that doesn’t feel like a good option, you could simply bring some new fantasies into the bedroom. Maybe you would enjoy watching a new kind of porn together, or involving a fantasy threesome in your dirty talk. Whether or not you express your bisexuality with different gendered partners, it can still play a positive role in your sex life as long as your partner is open to re-discovering your sexuality with you.
If you’re apprehensive about discussing your bisexuality with your partner, consider working with a trusted therapist who can guide the conversation in a positive direction.
Bio: Dr. Nazanin Moali is a clinical psychologist and sex therapist in the Los Angeles area. She works with various individuals to understand and improve their sexuality. Dr. Moali conducts personal consultation sessions in her Torrance and Hermosa Beach offices, or via a secure, online video-counseling platform. Click here to take the sex quiz for women.