What used to be referred to as the Madonna and whore complex is now often referred to as the love and lust split. It’s a destructive mindset that people can get stuck in that can derail an otherwise happy, healthy sex life. So, let’s talk about what the love and lust split is and what you can do if you or your partner struggle with it.
What the Love/Lust Split Is
Traditionally attributed only to men, the love/lust split is a dichotomy that happens in your brain where you keep love and lust completely compartmentalized. That means it’s hard to love someone that you feel lust for, and it’s similarly challenging to feel sexual desire for someone you deeply love. However, the field of psychology now understands that this phenomenon can and does affect people of any gender.
Sometimes, it happens when one part of the couple gets pregnant, and their partner sees them in a new light that’s unfortunately sexless. Other times, they will see this person as solely a parent and nothing else. The sexual component becomes infrequent and complicated—or the relationship might even become sexless.
Where the Love/Lust Split Comes From
One of the reasons people experience the love and lust split is because we’re taught sex-negative messages starting in early childhood. If someone is dressed promiscuously, people may comment on their ability to be parent. When people believe that their sexual desires and fantasies are truly dirty, they don’t want to be dirty with the person they love, cherish, and have children with. But having good sex with your partner is often an essential part of a fulfilling relationship.
Others will inadvertently and subconsciously blend the feelings of their partner with their mother. If one partner does the caretaking and child-rearing, the other partner may start to feel warm feelings about them, but they may be somewhat indistinguishable from the feelings they have about their mother, which makes sex difficult if not impossible. This situation is why some people complain that their sex life ended after the birth of their child. Alternatively, one partner may feel that one partner is simply a breadwinner, and they start to develop feelings only for people who are unlike their partner.
Sometimes, women feel the need not to be seen as “promiscuous” by their partners, which can contribute to the love and lust split as well. Women are often punished for prioritizing or even voicing their sexual desires, so it can be difficult for them to reach full sexual expression. This unfortunate predicament can cause their partners to see them as “pure” and mentally separate them from someone they feel lust for.
Solving the Love and Lust Split
Breaking free from the roles of parenthood can be helpful. Abstaining from “parenting” your partner can help you begin to see them as a sexual being again. Try to minimize parental roles and spend more time filling the role of a lover with your partner.
Being a caregiver in the bedroom is also a mood killer in some cases. Focus on your passion and lust rather than your role as caretaker. Being slightly selfish in bed (while helping meet your partner’s needs at the same time) can help with this. Focus on what you want in the moment, and that can help heat up your sex life.
It’s important to help people struggling with the love and lust split to see people as multi-faceted, nuanced beings. Someone could be very sexually empowered in the bedroom and be an excellent parent and partner at the same time. Therapy can help fast-track this process. If you’re interested in getting professional help with this, contact me today!
Bio: Dr. Nazanin Moali is a clinical psychologist and sex therapist in the Los Angeles area. She works with various individuals to understand and improve their sexuality. Dr. Moali conducts personal consultation sessions in her Torrance and Hermosa Beach offices, or via a secure, online video-counseling platform. Click here to take the sex quiz for women.