Women often have a complicated relationship with sex. Whether it’s because they have a negative body image, difficulty reaching orgasm, or sexual trauma in their past, there are a lot of different experiences that can shape a woman’s view of sex. Despite our culture’s sometimes-damaging impact on women’s sex lives, there are still many ways to help women reach orgasm and find a satisfying sex life—so let’s start by dispelling some of the myths surrounding women’s sexuality.
Misconceptions About Women’s Orgasms
Even though it’s 2021, women’s sexuality is often misunderstood. One of the most damaging myths about female sexuality is that women can always climax from penetration. This falsehood is so frequently portrayed in pornography, movies, and all forms of media that it is often mistaken for a fact. But the truth is, most women need clitoral stimulation to reach orgasm. One of the things that keeps so many women from enjoying sex fully is the idea that “real sex” is penetrative and everything else falls under the term “foreplay,” which should only be done for a few minutes before you have sex.
Another myth is that women’s orgasms are always mysterious and difficult to achieve. Unfortunately, the truth is that most sex education focuses so much on preventing STIs and avoiding unplanned pregnancy that it doesn’t talk about pleasure much if at all. Most sex education leaves out women’s pleasure entirely, so it’s often seen as complex when that’s not always the case. The truth is that women’s orgasms differ, just like people of all gender’s orgasms do.
Steps for Pre-Orgasmic Women
If you’ve never had an orgasm, your body is not broken and you are not alone. Studies vary on how many women are pre-orgasmic, but the numbers usually fall between 15-40%, a massive percentage of the female population. However, you can have an orgasm, but it may take some effort and exploration to get there.
The best way to start is by yourself. It’s a great way to get to know your body without the pressure of another partner being around. Some women feel that masturbation is shameful or gross, but the truth is that masturbation is not an embarrassing behavior—rather, it’s a natural, healthy behavior. If you learned harmful messages about masturbation as a child, it’s important to process these messages and discard the ones that no longer match your values as an adult.
Next, begin exploring. You should come prepared, too. You may want to use your fingers, a vibrator, or another sex toy to help you understand the sensations you enjoy. If you’re using a sex toy, make sure you have toy-friendly lubricant on hand too, which can make the experience more comfortable.
Then, consider taking notes. It may sound strange, but taking specific notes can help you articulate to your partner what you want. You may find that one side of your clitoris is extra sensitive or that your G spot only feels good after your clitoris has been stimulated. Try many different strokes and rhythms and write down what you like. You’ll know how to give them great feedback and give them the best chance of getting you off.
Part of the problem is that we expect our partners bringing us to climax spontaneously—so spontaneously, in fact, that it requires zero communication. But a sex life that has no communication is on a path to dissatisfaction for everyone involved. No one is a mind reader. And, even couples whose orgasms happened immediately and frequently will need to talk about their sex life at some point, or they will fall into a routine. Starting the conversation with your partner today will help set you up for a lifetime of sexual satisfaction.
Getting More Help
Sometimes, the best way to learn how to orgasm is with the help of a trusted professional. If you want more tips for learning how to orgasm both during masturbation and with your partner, contact me for a free consultation today.
Bio: Dr. Nazanin Moali is a clinical psychologist and sex therapist in the Los Angeles area. She works with various individuals to understand and improve their sexuality. Dr. Moali conducts personal consultation sessions in her Torrance and Hermosa Beach offices, or via a secure, online video-counseling platform.