Big IS Beautiful!
For starters, let’s get one thing straight: fat does not have to be an insult. If short, blonde or thin aren’t insults, why should fat be? Many in the ‘fat acceptance movement’ have made similar arguments, advocating for accepting that people exist in many shapes and sizes, none of which warrant discrimination or poor treatment. Throughout history, various cultures have felt big=beautiful, but the modern US is definitely not one of them!
Nowhere is this more apparent than in the world of sexuality, where our stereotypical images of beautiful, desirable people definitely tend to be on the skinnier end. Things do seem to have improved from the 80s, in the era of aerobics and Jane Fonda, when Sir Mix-a-Lot had to loudly proclaim, “I LIKE BIG BUTTS” because itty bitty little ones were the only butts getting any attention! Perhaps we have him to thank for beginning to remind us culturally that big is beautiful too.
From Fat Phobia to Fat Fetish: Remembering the Human Being Within!
The extreme of fat denigration is fat phobia, a term some use to describe cultural and individuals shaming of people who weigh more than the average bear. This can manifest in all kinds of ways – jokes about body size, negative assumptions about people solely based on their weight, discrimination at work and even issues with getting healthcare beyond just being told to lose weight. People considered fat are often seen as ugly and lazy.
On the other end of the extreme is fat fetish. This includes a wide range of kinks, from focusing on different weight ranges to activities only possible with a person of a larger size, such as being sat on and crushed. There are many different fetishes that exist out there, and enjoyed with care and respect. At the same time, fat fetish can run the risk of a different type of dehumanization – objectification. While we all want to be seen as beautiful and desired, sometimes associating our bodies with a fetish actually removes us from our own wants and needs. For instance, one woman’s boyfriend was a “feeder,” who fed her up to 13,000 calories per day to make her gain weight – but ultimately she realized her behavior was “benefiting others, but it wasn’t for me”. This is not to say all fat fetishists are objectifiers, by any means!
We may also consider fat worship. In fat worship, the body is seen as beautiful and appreciated simply as it is. This might include people who consider themselves to be “fat admirers,” which can come in any gender. It may go along with other fat-related kinks as well. And while objectification may still be a risk, many in this camp simply want to enjoy a larger person’s beauty – and let’s face it, it can feel really nice to be seen as beautiful, so long as we’re also safe, feel comfortable, (and even more, aroused!) by what we’re doing together.
How to Be Appreciated in the Skin You’re In
If you’re a person of size navigating the world of sex and dating, there can definitely be challenges. Nobody wants to be viewed as unattractive, nor does anyone want to be objectified.
The real question is, how can you feel comfortable being sexual on your own terms? Here are a few tips:
1 – Recognize that everybody deserves pleasure, and that includes YOU. Take some time to really think and feel into what it is your body craves. Do you want to be tied up, or massaged sensually? So long as you’re not crossing anyone’s boundaries or breaking any laws, there aren’t many limits here.
2 – Consider also your limits. What makes you uncomfortable, whether its just the thought of doing anal or a past experience with someone who spoke poorly about your body? What are your “no’s” – at least that you can imagine right now? Realize that sometimes we aren’t aware of our own boundaries until they’re crossed, but cultivating a greater awareness of what you already know you don’t want will make it easier to identify if you experience something you dislike moving forward.
3 – Look at your partner and their motivation. This can affect people of any size, of course – objectification and poor sexual etiquette are sadly commonplace. But particularly if you’re being invited to participate in fat-related fetish and kink behaviors – how do you feel? Do you feel pushed, or is it more of an invitation? Is your partner demanding a certain behavior from you, or are they expressing a hope that the two of you can have some fun together? Its less about what you do together, and more about the how and why you do it.
4 – Take time and be sexual with yourself. We learn so much about our wants and needs by attending to them on our own, and can bring that information to our partners. Maybe even take yourself out for a date! Treating yourself as you deserve to be treated can also help cultivate the self-esteem needed to assert yourself if and when you do encounter boundary crossings.
5 – Remember that just because the world says X, Y and Z are sexy, doesn’t mean that A, B, Q, and S aren’t! There’s an entire alphabet, so to speak, of beauty. If someone doesn’t find you attractive or treat you the way you want to be treated, there ARE other fish in the sea. Even if your body doesn’t fit society’s mold, there are plenty of people who DO find you attractive. And while our worth, of course, doesn’t depend on others finding us sexy – its a normal part of sex and relationships to want to be desired.
6 – Find appealing erotic imagery that depicts bodies like yours in a positive way. Within the porn industry, there’s a range of material – some not-so-respectful but at the same time, models are increasingly creating their own adult content. Social media can be a great place to explore images of larger people engaged in some of your favorite sexual activities, and can help you learn to see yourself as a beautifully erotic being.
You’re Not in This Alone!
While its easier said than done, its fully possible to be a person of size and have a kind, caring partner who goes ga ga for your body, with off-the-charts chemistry and lots of mutual pleasure. Recognize that people of every body size struggle with feeling attractive, even if they look like a magazine model (and sometimes, the most stereotypically beautiful are actually the most insecure!). And yet also, awareness of how society in particular makes sex and love a challenge for larger individuals can help you put your own individual struggles into context – its not just you! You, like every human on the planet, deserves love, adoration and pleasure in your life. Whether or not society sees that, doesn’t change the truth!
Bio: Dr. Nazanin Moali is a clinical psychologist and sex therapist in the Los Angeles area. She works with various individuals to understand and improve their sexuality. Dr. Moali conducts personal consultation sessions in her Torrance and Hermosa Beach offices, or via a secure, online video-counseling platform. Join her for her online course for couples in long-term relationships, Bedroom Fizzle to Sizzle, by clicking here.