Masculinity can sometimes be a thorny topic, primarily because our culture has many bad examples of what it means to be a manly man. But masculinity, at its essence, is a very positive component of a personality, behavior, or even sexuality. Let’s talk about how we can redefine masculinity, and what a crucial role masculinity can play in your sex life.
The Problem of the Nice Guy
Over the past several decades, our culture has shifted toward a new iteration of masculinity: the nice guy. If you watch a rom-com, you will likely hear about a woman who is in search of a one to date. Though nice guys, in theory, would be a healthy expression of masculinity, in practice, that’s often not the case. Sometimes so-called nice guys are only respectful to women because they expect to get sex in exchange. When they get rejected, they become enraged. Now, “nice guy syndrome” is often used to refer to men who cloak sinister intentions with a veneer of niceness. Unfortunately, this specific brand of masculinity is still toxic and it differs from healthy masculinity in many vital ways.
Qualities of Healthy Masculinity
There are some tell-tale traits that signify a healthy expression of masculinity. Some of these are decisiveness, leadership, protection, and safety (including emotional and psychological safety.) No matter your gender, your sex life can benefit from including some of these traits, and it can be very empowering to access your masculine side.
Decisiveness and leadership are great attributes to have when you’re getting intimate with your partner. And a big part of sexual leadership is expertise. You can’t lead the way if you don’t know what you’re doing. So, before taking charge in the bedroom, ensure that you’ve learned all you can about your partner’s body, likes, and dislikes. The more you know about what turns your partner on, the more sexual power you can harness together in the bedroom. There’s so much liberation that comes from mastering what your partner enjoys sexually in the form of touch, fantasy, dirty talk, and all forms of sex. But in order to learn, you have to ask. Guessing what your partner likes or assuming based on your previous partners will lead to frustration from both sides.
Further, it’s important not to boss your partner around. Leadership is often misconstrued as being entitled to tell everyone what to do, and that’s not a great idea in the bedroom (unless your partner is into power exchanges and BDSM.) Rather than telling someone what to do, explore leadership as a part of your creativity. Have a lot of sexual ideas to bounce off your partner, so you can see what you’re both into. That’s a more equitable way to express masculinity in the bedroom.
A New Model of Masculinity
The overlap of traditional masculinity and violence and abuse is significant, which is why it’s essential for us to envision how to incorporate masculinity in a way that benefits people of all genders. Being “leaders” and “initiators” are labels that don’t apply primarily to one gender anymore. And being stripped of those titles has left some men feeling emasculated, but that shouldn’t be the case. There’s so much more to masculinity than leadership.
Accessing the new masculinity will likely necessitate men giving themselves permission to be vulnerable. Not all masculine energy is about being strong or tough—a lot of it is about the confidence to be who you are rather than playing a culturally scripted gender role. There is strength in having a deeper identity that more authentic and grounded.
Sexual Empowerment Awaits
One of the most effective ways to level up your sex life is by working with a trusted therapist. Contact me today, and we’ll find empowering ways for you to express yourself to the fullest in the bedroom.
If you’re ready to become better at sexual communication in your relationship, sign up for my masterclass today!
Bio: Dr. Nazanin Moali is a clinical psychologist and sex therapist in the Los Angeles area. She works with various individuals to understand and improve their sexuality. Dr. Moali conducts personal consultation sessions in her Torrance and Hermosa Beach offices, or via a secure, online video-counseling platform. Click here to download the 101 Ways to Keep Your Relationship Hot checklist.