There’s no doubt about it: sex toys for married couples can be a hidden weapon that amps up your sex life. And this isn’t a new phenomenon. In fact, there is evidence that sex toys have been used for 28,000 years. So, let’s talk about why sex toy use is normal (even though it is stigmatized) and how to pick the perfect one.
Sex Toy Stigma
Sex toys bring a lot of joy and access to pleasure and orgasms to people who might otherwise be unable to have that experience. And yet, a lot of people are afraid to go out and buy a sex toy because of the stigma. Using sex toys is a completely normal and healthy part of sexuality, regardless of whether you’re married or single, so don’t be embarrassed by the electronics in your nightstand. Sex toy stigma is often rooted in misconceptions about sex toys for married couples.
Misconceptions About Sex toys for Married Couples
People often ask if there is such a thing as a dependence on or addiction to sex toys. And in my experience, no, there’s not. You can’t replace human touch and connection. Sex toy use will not convince people to give up sex with their partner. People don’t get hooked on sex toys the way they get hooked on other addictive substances. However, if you feel like you are using your sex toys “too much,” many other things could be going on that you may want to consider. Maybe you feel disconnected from your partner, or maybe you want something about your sex life to change.
People may try to say that having an orgasm “naturally” is superior to using a sex toy, but that’s not the case. It has nothing to do with replacing your partner. Instead, it’s adding to the experience. Many women can’t climax solely from intercourse. For them, the addition of the vibrator can mean the difference between an incredible orgasm from sex with their partner nearly every time or rarely having an orgasm during partnered sex.
How to Choose Sex Toys for Married Couples
Sex toys differ based on people’s anatomy. So, people with vulvas will want to explore what types of sensations they like. Vibrators tend to fall into two categories: buzzy and rumbly. They also fall into two preferences for stimulation: pinpoint or broad. You’ll also need to think about whether or not you want external stimulation, internal stimulation, or both. It may take purchasing a sex toy or two before you figure out precisely what you like, so start with something you can afford to replace.
People with penises may want a cock ring. Cock rings can go around just the penis or the base of the penis as well as the testicles. Some cock rings come with a vibrating function, which can intensify sex for both partners. People who are new to cock rings will want to find one that is adjustable, sized correctly, and made of stretchy material.
Anal toys are excellent for people of any gender. You will always have to use lube with anal toys since the anus is not naturally self-lubricating. Anal devices make great sex toys for married couples as they can be used by anyone. Just ensure you wash it before use with a new partner and that you buy something with a flared base. The flared base will prevent it from getting stuck inside you—saving you a potentially awkward trip to the emergency room.
Next, choosing body-safe materials is essential when picking sex toys for married couples. Silicone, ABS plastic, stainless steel, and glass are great choices. Jelly toys are not the best option as they are impossible to sterilize, and they keep bacteria inside them forever. Their ability to house bacteria is not just gross, but it can also give you persistent yeast infections.
Choosing Lubricant for Sex Toys
Lube is the key to using sex toys successfully. Water-based lube is the easiest choice to use with sex toys. Never mix silicone toys with silicone lube, as this can degrade the materials and turn a body-safe sex toy into a toy that’s no longer body-safe. Water-based lube is a great option if you’ll be using condoms at the same time.
Cleaning Sex Toys
How you clean your sex toy depends on the materials your sex toy is made of and whether it has a motor. A glass or stainless-steel dildo without a motor can be boiled or even cleaned in your dishwasher. However, a silicone vibrator is something you’ll want to hand-wash with warm water and soap or a sex toy cleaner. If your toy has groves or seams between two different types of materials, you may want to use a toothbrush to deep clean the details.
Why Sex Toys for Married Couples Are Great
Sex toys for married couples can also boost confidence. It can help you learn about the different sensations your partner loves, even if you can’t mimic those sensations exactly.
Further, in heterosexual couples, there is often an orgasm gap. The orgasm gap is the fact that women are much less likely than men to climax from heterosexual sex. Men nearly always do, and women don’t as much. A lot of this is due to the lack of sex education in our culture. No one learns very much about pleasure, and what women like in bed is left out altogether. Since heterosexual sex is the focus of most sex ed, it sets many women up for lifelong sexual disappointment.
It takes a lot of time and patience on both people’s parts to help educate your partner on what you like and don’t like, and getting it down to where the woman regularly orgasms can take a couple of weeks or even months. For other couples, it may take longer yet. In the meantime, sex toys can help manage the orgasm gap so that women can routinely enjoy sex as much as the men do. Sex toys for married couples are helpful for your sex life because it can lessen the resentment that springs from having sex frequently and rarely orgasming.
Further, sex toys are great tools for when you don’t have the time for slow, sensual lovemaking. If you just want to have a quickie, sex toys are a lifesaver. And every couple will end up having quickies now and again.
Lastly, sex toys for married couples are convenient as you age. As people with penises age, erections change, and sometimes they become less hard or frequent. As people with vulvas age, they tend to have less moisture and flexibility in their vaginal tissue. When you get older, you have to become more creative to have satisfying sex, but sex toys can help you both feel connected and sexy without having so much pressure on your genitals to perform.
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Bio: Dr. Nazanin Moali is a clinical psychologist and sex therapist in the Los Angeles area. She works with various individuals to understand and improve their sexuality. Dr. Moali conducts personal consultation sessions in her Torrance and Hermosa Beach offices, or via a secure, online video-counseling platform. Click here to download the 101 Ways to Keep Your Relationship Hot checklist.