A majority of people are not monogamous—even if they continue to have monogamous relationships. Many relationships that started with monogamy end with infidelity, and this can even occur in otherwise happy relationships. Now that non-monogamous relationships are gaining legitimacy and visibility, many people are curious about how to decide whether to open up their relationship. Below are some factors to consider if you’re thinking about polyamory.
Go Slow
If you’re thinking of trying polyamory, you have to start slow. Don’t pretend to be carefree and stuff down your emotional needs. You have to be comfortable enough to acknowledge your needs, or you risk poisoning the relationship. Start with baby steps so that you don’t do anything that can’t be undone. And then talk about how each new experience made you both feel. If your partner is unwilling to move at your pace, that’s a sign you may not be ready for an open relationship.
Deeper Honesty
One of the biggest advantages of being in a non-monogamous relationship is how clear the communication can be. You can talk freely about your sexual desires without worrying about the repercussions. Many times, in monogamous relationships, people hide their fantasies and keep them a secret in order to protect their partner’s feelings. However, even if no one ever acts out on the fantasy, talking about your fantasies can keep the sexual spark alive. This freedom to speak openly about sexual desire is one of the reasons that people in open relationships report having excellent sex.
Creating Intimacy
Open relationships are a double-edged sword. Sometimes people use them to experience freedom within their relationship and to get to know their partners fully. Other times, opening the relationship is a path toward avoiding intimacy. If people feel too vulnerable, they may want to have more than one partner as a form of self-protection. It’s essential to be honest with yourself and your partner to see if you are cultivating intimacy or avoid it.
Dealing With Jealousy
Jealousy is a component of relationships whether or not you decide to be non-monogamous. But when you’re polyamorous, it’s even more critical to address jealousy and deal with it as a couple rather than ignore it. One of the things that can complicate an open relationship is that some people don’t know what will make them jealous before it happens. You can’t always guess; sometimes, you have to find out.
People in open relationships will look beneath the surface of jealousy and practice self-awareness. For instance, sometimes jealousy comes up not because of our partner’s actions but because of issues with ourselves. Rather than being jealous that our partner is attracted to someone else, we may actually be feeling resentful that we haven’t gotten to spend much time at the gym lately. Or, perhaps it can help you realize that you need to spend more time with your partner. Understanding what you can do to feel more secure despite jealousy is a great way to begin to deal with it.
If you feel fear of abandonment, this is something that may be linked to your past. You may have experienced something in childhood that made you feel this fear. It’s important to address these past wounds before opening the relationship so that nonmonogamy doesn’t increase your anxiety.
Want help opening up your relationship? Work with a trusted professional to help keep your relationship safe as you navigate new sexual territory.
Bio: Dr. Nazanin Moali is a clinical psychologist and sex therapist in the Los Angeles area. She works with various individuals to understand and improve their sexuality. Dr. Moali conducts personal consultation sessions in her Torrance and Hermosa Beach offices, or via a secure, online video-counseling platform. Click here to download the 101 Ways to Keep Your Relationship Hot checklist.