All too often, couples expect that their initial sexual spark will last forever. Unfortunately, keeping passion alive takes a bit of effort. It’s natural for the spark to fade, but with the tips below, you can replace it with something even better.
Phases of a Long-term Relationship
At the beginning of most relationships, the sexual connection feels electric. You’re drawn to your partner, and you want to spend all of your free time with them. However, this can’t last forever. When this magical feeling fades, many people fault the relationship. The truth is, no matter who you are in a relationship with, you will likely go through the same phases.
After the honeymoon period, a time of disappointment comes. As you get to know each other, you become aware of each other’s flaws and experience letdowns. You transition from being surprised by the many things you have in common to being surprised by certain incompatibilities. Plus, the more serious you become as a couple, the more roles you take on that have nothing to do with sex, like caregiver, chef, housekeeper, etc. This tends to cast the entire relationship in an unsexy light.
When this happens, couples usually try to get back what they once had. The problem is you can’t go back to the honeymoon phase—because you can’t un-know your partner. But you can move toward a much more fulfilling and exciting stage as long as you both agree to push past the period of disappointment.
Getting Out of the Rut
Part of the getting-to-know-you phase at the beginning of the relationship is finding out each other’s turn-ons. This is a good thing because you become better sexual partners. Yet once you’ve reached the phase of disappointment, sex often becomes optimized and efficient. Couples take the shortest path to orgasm for the sake of time, but it’s a lot less fulfilling than the exploratory, discovery-filled sex at the beginning of the relationship.
Remember that sex doesn’t stay hot for other couples naturally. Everyone must be willing to make some changes to keep the sex fresh. Yet, if you remain in the dissatisfaction stage, you will either feel resentful continuing to have sex you don’t like or your relationship could become sexless.
Yet it’s possible to have a sex life you adore again. Take time to pause and acknowledge what’s going on for you with your relationship to your sex life. Don’t try to override what your body is telling you in order to have sex you don’t want. Instead, proceed with caution and mindfulness.
What’s Beyond the Disappointment Phase
Moving beyond the disenchantment means growing together toward intimate sex. This phase won’t feel like the beginning of your relationship, but it can be rewarding, bonding, and exciting. You can feel a sense of discovery about your partner, but you’ll have to cultivate mindfulness. When you are mindful and consciously stay in the present moment, you can resurrect some of the curiosity and attention from the beginning of the relationship.
Next, notice the roles you take on in the bedroom. Some people naturally feel like they need to be givers or takers; others may not feel safe showing vulnerability or may have insecurities they developed a long time ago and never healed from. These roles are behavior patterns that are often learned during childhood. When you can see these patterns, you can start to change them. And when you feel safe enough with your partner to change them, you can mend from the messages that no longer serve you.
It takes a sense of optimism to keep trying, especially when you feel like you’ve tried everything. Frustration can take over, and it’s easy to start blaming your partner for the problems that you’re still encountering. But you’ll need cooperative moods to successfully move on together and reach your sexual potential.
If you’d like help taking your long-term relationship’s sex to the next level, consider working with a trained therapist who can give you personalized, science-backed tips. Contact me for a free consultation!
Bio: Dr. Nazanin Moali is a clinical psychologist and sex therapist in the Los Angeles area. She works with various individuals to understand and improve their sexuality. Dr. Moali conducts personal consultation sessions in her Torrance and Hermosa Beach offices, or via a secure, online video-counseling platform. Click here to download the 101 Ways to Keep Your Relationship Hot checklist.