No matter what, things can (and will!) go wrong in the bedroom. There’s no avoiding it, which is why self-compassion can help us have better sex lives. What does self-compassion have to do with sexuality? Let’s talk about it.

Self-Compassion 101

Self-compassion is the practice of treating yourself kindly even when you fail. To truly practice self-compassion, you must trade in your criticism for sympathy. Next, you have to deeply understand that everyone makes mistakes and then ensure that you don’t begin to isolate yourself due to shame. Lastly, having a sense of awareness can help you practice self-compassion because you will be more able to stay present rather than reliving the failure over and over. Together, these can help you see failures as temporary.

Why Self-Compassion Is So Tough to Practice

While most people are very forgiving with their friends, they can be pretty tough on themselves. However, self-compassion is a skill. It takes practice to get good at it. It takes some time to unlearn the negative messaging we’ve received about perfectionism. Changing your thought processtakes a lot of effort, but it’s worth it because you can eventually accept yourself and find more pleasure—in general and in the bedroom. 

Practicing Self-Compassion

When you get wrapped up in a recent disappointment, try to stop yourself from ruminating on the event. Practicing self-compassion means realizing that you’re obsessing over a specific event and then disrupting your thought cycle. If you can determine what you need in order to soothe yourself, that’s an excellent place to start. A self-care ritual that always helps you feel better might be critical in moments of shame when you face a significant setback. 

Next, evaluate the tone you use during self-talk. Is it kind? Or are you trying to intimidate yourself into bouncing back before you’re ready? 

It’s important to practice self-compassion because you deserve it, not as a technique so that you can become better next time. More disappointments will come, and you will still deserve self-compassion. Try to view yourself with the same empathy you would have for a friend. You wouldn’t be gentle with them so that they learn a lesson and don’t make the same mistake again—you would validate them because you love them. 

Self-compassion also involves looking out for yourself and protecting yourself from future emotional injury. This is a good time to ensure your boundaries are serving you well. If not, find ways to create boundaries that safeguard your emotional health. 

The Overlap Between Self-Compassion and Sex

Unfortunately, sex is often tied to shame in many ways. Some people have body shame which can make sex uncomfortable. Others are worried about their performance and pleasing their partner. People may be embarrassed if they can’t reach orgasm or can’t reliably help their partner climax. These issues make enjoying sex nearly impossible. 

But on the other hand, no one is perfect. Getting wrapped up in anxiety about our imperfections robs us of a lot of joy. And when you can separate your failures from your identity and sense of self, you can rebound from disappointments more quickly. 

It’s essential to remember that there is no “ideal” sexual situation. Every sexual encounter is different, and having a concrete goal for how sex should go is a shortcut to disappointment. Keeping an open mind, staying curious, and practicing self-compassion can lead to more satisfying sex. When you practice staying present and using self-compassion, you’ll be able to let go of your expectations, learn about yourself, and become more fully embodied. Your understanding of your own sexuality will increase, and you can find new ways to explore pleasure.
If you’d like more information about how to practice self-compassion in the bedroom, contact me for a free consultation.

Bio: Dr. Nazanin Moali is a clinical psychologist and sex therapist in the Los Angeles area. She works with various individuals to understand and improve their sexuality. Dr. Moali conducts personal consultation sessions in her Torrance and Hermosa Beach offices, or via a secure, online video-counseling platform. Click here to download the 101 Ways to Keep Your Relationship Hot checklist.