Low sex drive in marriage can happen to anyone—it doesn’t just affect women. And it affects more couples than you might think. Many people feel hopeless because the chemistry seems to be gone forever. You don’t have to despair or give up trying; there are several ways to mitigate low sex drive in marriage and find a way back toward sexual satisfaction. You just need some tips and a willing partner.
Finding the Cause of Low Sex Drive in Marriage
Many couples start hot and heavy in the bedroom, but after years pass, the passion can fizzle, and they worry that their sexual relationship is over. While both women and men can have a low sex drive, sometimes the causes of low libido vary. Two of the top reasons that low sex drive happen are sexual dysfunction and a breakdown in communication. But there are many others as well. For instance, resentment can affect spouses of any gender. So can stress. And occasionally, the most significant factor is the fact that the sex is the same, night after night.
Sometimes, women haven’t been getting their sexual needs met, and so the sexual relationship is put on hold. The truth is that women need a lot more foreplay than men. Without it, many women will never reach orgasm. And even before that, women often need some time to be touched and feel sexual before anyone engages in clitoral stimulation.
Sex education (or the lack of education) comes into play, too. Part of the problem is that sex education doesn’t often cover sexual pleasure—only safety and avoiding pregnancy. Many men don’t realize that female sexuality differs greatly from male sexuality, in general. For women who are shy about talking about sex and in heterosexual relationships, this can pose a long-term problem. This is one of the many things that makes normal, healthy women feel dysfunctional and broken. Some women deal with this by faking orgasms, which magnifies the problem and makes it a lot more difficult to talk about since it becomes a big lie within the relationship. However, there’s no path toward sexual empowerment without coming clean, owning what you need sexually, and getting on the same page as your partner.
Keep in mind that loss of sexual desire doesn’t mean loss of pleasure. For women, it’s much easier to continue to have sex, whether or not you desire it, but it’s certainly not always good or healthy for the relationship. When men experience low desire, it can make penetrative sex a lot more challenging, so sometimes the sex will stop altogether.
Sexual Dysfunction
Sexual pain is a common problem—especially for women. Unfortunately, this concern is often dismissed by doctors. However, it can mean that women start to dread sex, and they feel like their bodies are broken.
Vaginal dryness and erectile dysfunction are sometimes a part of healthy, normal aging. As menopause arrives, vaginal dryness is common and can have an impact on women’s self-image as well as their sexual desire. Men, too, may find that their erections don’t come as quickly or aren’t quite as hard as they used to be. Luckily, both problems have solutions as long as both partners are dedicated to finding a way around them.
These kinds of sexual dysfunction are often tied to arousal. However, men can feel attraction and arousal without an erection, and women can feel attraction and arousal and still have vaginal dryness. Talking about these problems can prevent a miscommunication where one partner no longer feels like their partner is attracted to them. Lastly, mentioning these symptoms to your doctor is always a good idea in case there is a medical issue that can be addressed.
Low Libido Isn’t the Same as Asexuality
Some people identify as asexual—which means that they have low or no sex drive and that sex isn’t necessarily an integral component of a long-term romantic relationship for them. Low libido is different because, typically, it’s marked by a relationship that starts with sexual passion, but the passion fades, and the desire fades along with it. Low sex drive means that the partners want to be having more sex and are not, not that they don’t want sex to be a part of their life anymore.
Solutions to Low Sex Drive in Marriage
When you or your partner is experiencing low levels of arousal, it’s important to take action. Low sex drive can result in a sexless marriage, and the longer sexlessness lasts, the harder it is to stop. So, after you’ve gotten to the root issue, look at the solutions below and try several out until you’ve found something that works for you.
Something that helps with many causes of low desire is finding time to relax your body and mind before getting started. If your body doesn’t feel good, it can be hard to get out of your head and into your body so that you can enjoy all the physical sensations of sex.
Communication is essential. Talking about your fantasies is important, too. It’s also important to talk about how attracted you are to your partner and ensure they feel desired. Many people don’t feel sexual desire unless they feel sexually desirable. Remember that while communication is crucial, it’s also critical that you take action. So, make a plan that you both commit to following.
It’s important to remember that good sex doesn’t often happen spontaneously in long-term relationships. Planning ahead and finding new ways to keep your sex life exciting is important. Foreplay should start early. Remember to touch each other even when you’re not about to have sex. Affection can be a form of foreplay, and it helps couples stay emotionally close.
Talking about any lingering relationship issues is crucial, too. If you are constantly fighting during the day, it’s pretty likely that, at night, you’re not going to be in the mood. Acquiring some conflict resolution skills can help pave the way to more sexual engagement. Healing from relationship injuries is an important part of maintaining a healthy relationship in general and also can go a long way toward improving your sex drive.
Learning new sexual talents can help renew your sexual interest in each other, too. You could take classes about sensual massage together and treat each other on special occasions. Or you could learn about opening up (if that’s something that interests you) by going to a munch. You could take online classes on how to improve your oral sex skills together. Start researching ways to level up your knowledge of sex, and your sex life—and desire—will improve as well.
Lastly, bring back a sense of play. Whenever you do the same thing, it’s easy to mentally disengage, and it’s difficult to feel excited. But when you begin to use your imagination and do something new together in the bedroom, you naturally become more present and focused. If you find yourselves stuck, consider talking to a therapist for more customized, actionable tips for dealing with low sex drive in marriage. Therapy can help jumpstart your path toward sexual desire, connection, and fulfillment in your long-term relationship.
Bio: Dr. Nazanin Moali is a clinical psychologist and sex therapist in the Los Angeles area. She works with various individuals to understand and improve their sexuality. Dr. Moali conducts personal consultation sessions in her Torrance and Hermosa Beach offices, or via a secure, online video-counseling platform. Click here to download the 101 Ways to Keep Your Relationship Hot checklist.