Being in a sexless marriage is relatively common, but that doesn’t mean it’s something you have to live with. Some estimate that up to twenty percent of marriages are sexless. Our ideals of marriage and sex are tightly bound together, and going for an extended period of time without connecting sexually with your spouse can be incredibly frustrating. Here’s what to do if you find yourself in a sexless marriage.
What Is Considered a Sexless Marriage
Sexless marriage is typically defined as a relationship where you have sex fewer than ten times per year. And yet, since this happens so often, it’s essential to remember that there isn’t something wrong with you. However, waiting to get help often cements the problem and makes progress a lot more complicated. So, the best thing you can do is recognize you’re in a sexless marriage and try to get your partner on board to solve this. If you’re both committed to solving the problem together, you have an excellent shot at moving back toward sexual pleasure and satisfaction.
What Causes a Sexless Marriage
Sexlessness doesn’t happen in a vacuum. Much of the time, it can be indicative of other relational problems. Further, some people believe that sex should be spontaneous and effortless, even if you’ve been married for several years. This expectation can make having sex more difficult because busy married couples often need to schedule sex in order to make it happen. And, you must put in the effort for the long haul.
People often believe that when sexless marriages occur, the wife is the one who does not want sex anymore. This myth discounts the fact that sexlessness happens in LGBTQ relationships and the genuine possibility that the husband may be the one who is no longer interested in sex anymore.
How It Begins
Sexless relationships don’t happen overnight. If one or both of you go through periods of stress or depression, sexlessness can happen. But unless it is addressed, this can turn into a self-fulfilling cycle that is much harder to stop. When it has been a few weeks or a month since you slept together, bringing up the idea of having sex is much more low stakes than if it has been years. If it has been years since the last time, trying to have sex with your partner may feel more vulnerable because of the built-up feelings of rejection and guilt.
Undealt-with resentment, difficulty reaching orgasm, sexual dysfunction, and pain during sex are common causes of a sexless marriage. And of those, relationship and sexual dysfunction are the two most common causes. Fortunately, there are solutions for relationships who fall into either camp.
You have to like each other to have any interest in wanting to have sex with each other. If you have lingering issues in your relationship, those will need to be solved before the sexlessness can be fixed. If the problem is a physical dysfunction or technique, there are many solutions and methods to try to resolve them, and they tend to be simpler to solve.
If you can keep your sense of curiosity, this can help you both keep an open mind and reduce defensiveness. Determining what caused your relationship to become sexless can go a long way toward solving the underlying problem.
Solutions
The best way to solve a sexless marriage is first to consider the way you (or your partner) initiate sex. If it’s less seduction and more of a fight, you’re not off to a good start. When you start shaming or demanding sex from your partner, it’s certainly not going to put them in the mood. Some people prefer verbal initiation, and others prefer physical initiation. Finding out which your partner favors can give you a leg up during the conversation.
Next, make sure you make a plan together when you talk about what you want to try. Being too vague or not having a detailed plan can lead to inaction. If you’ve already gone to the trouble of having the difficult conversation, make sure you take concrete steps toward making progress.
Don’t forget to talk about who initiates. One person often takes on the role of the “pursuer” while the other takes on the role of “rejector.” These roles can be challenging to break out of, especially if you’ve been in them for a while. The pursuer or higher desire partner can start to feel incredibly scorned, because it can be exhausting to be the only partner who is initiating.
Further, the spouse who is pursuing may feel vulnerable about their sexual skills or level of desirability, which may be expressed as anger. They may be so tired of the rejection that they try to reject their partner in other ways.
On the other hand, the lower desire partner may feel ashamed and like their body is broken. Sometimes, a poor self-image can get in the way of being in touch with their sexuality. These are tough feelings to deal with, and often, couples don’t talk about their sexless marriage for a very long time.
It’s an especially difficult tug of war if one partner needs an emotional connection before they feel a sexual connection, and the other partner needs the opposite. Yet, you can work through this. You will have to work together to ensure that there is plenty of both types of connection for each partner to feel ready for either. Learning each other’s love languages can help this, too, so that you are loving your partner in the way they will most easily experience it.
Incorporating more foreplay can help, too. Many people like to be touched everywhere for a while before being touched directly on their genitals. Taking time to seduce your partner can help heat up your sex life.
If you feel like you’ve tried everything and you are stuck in a sexless marriage, it’s important to continue to seek help. Sexless marriages don’t solve themselves. Consider reaching out to a therapist who specializes in sex so that you can grow toward more connectedness, intimacy, and sexual fulfillment.
Bio: Dr. Nazanin Moali is a clinical psychologist and sex therapist in the Los Angeles area. She works with various individuals to understand and improve their sexuality. Dr. Moali conducts personal consultation sessions in her Torrance and Hermosa Beach offices, or via a secure, online video-counseling platform. Click here to download the 101 Ways to Keep Your Relationship Hot checklist.