When considering whether to open up your relationship, you may feel overwhelmed by all of the different types of open relationships. From polyamory to non-monogamy and everything in between, let’s talk about how you can think outside the monogamy box.
The Benefits of Open Relationships
Open relationships aren’t for everyone, but they do give couples certain advantages. The freedom to occasionally seek out new sexual or romantic experiences can give the relationship a sense of stability that monogamous relationships may not have. If one person wants to try BDSM and the other doesn’t, open relationships allow each partner to explore their sexuality regardless of their partner’s specific interests. Bisexual people are also free to have sexual experiences that fully express their sexual orientation in a way that monogamous couples wouldn’t get to experience.
The Downsides of Open Relationships
Since our culture treats monogamy as the default, some significant downsides to open relationships exist. For one, the stigma around non-monogamy is difficult, if not impossible, to avoid. You may feel the need to hide your openness from friends, family, and coworkers. During a divorce, if your ex-spouse finds out you are involved in non-monogamy, they can try to get custody of the kids (if you have children) as these relationships are still regarded as taboo and, by many, wrong. Even people you previously considered open-minded may find it weird if you want to bring more than one partner to a party or holiday, which strains your relationships.
Types of Open Relationships
Though they go by many different names, most relationships that don’t adhere to monogamy fall under three categories. The underlying idea behind all open relationships is that some extra interactions are allowed with other partners that may be considered a betrayal in typical monogamous relationships. Having the option to have more than one dedicated partner is the definition of polyamory, which can include emotional and sexual connections. Swinging is often the lifestyle that a couple chooses where they have different sexual partners, but they typically only have an emotional, romantic connection with their primary partner. Lastly, designer relationships are unique situations where those involved have precise agreements around their monogamy. For example, partners may be allowed to have sexual experiences without their partner in certain instances: when their partner is away from home, or perhaps on a specific night each month. Designer relationships put hard constraints on the circumstances where sexual experiences with different people are okay.
How to Find What’s Right For Your Relationship
Your and your partner’s personalities will determine which kind (if any) of open relationship works. If the unknown causes you anxiety and you feel best when following the rules, any type of open relationship might cause too much stress for your or your relationship. But if you have a bit of an independent or adventurous streak, opening up might be worth a try. You can always decide to return to monogamy if you decide this is not a good fit for your relationship.
If you would be humiliated if your friends or family found out, you may not want to try non-monogamy. But, many people in open relationships simply decline to mention it to those who would be unsupportive of the idea. How hard it is to navigate this inconvenience depends on where you live, the industry in which you work, and other cultural factors.
Talk with your partner about whether you’d be more comfortable getting to know a new partner and developing a friendship with them or if you’d rather have a sexual experience with someone who is essentially a stranger. Determining if emotional bonds are a possibility can help you create boundaries that will prevent jealousy. You must have a solid relationship because opening up your relationship will bring up unresolved issues, especially affairs and instances of infidelity. Addressing these issues before getting started is imperative. Further, consider how you resolve conflict. If you are skilled at solving problems together, then your transition to a non-monogamous relationship will be smoother.
Consider seeking professional help while opening your relationship. Meeting with a specialized sex therapist can help you and your partner explore non-monogamy in a healthy, safe setting.
Bio: Dr. Nazanin Moali is a clinical psychologist and sex therapist in the Los Angeles area. She works with various individuals to understand and improve their sexuality. Dr. Moali conducts personal consultation sessions in her Torrance and Hermosa Beach offices, or via a secure, online video-counseling platform. Click here to download the 101 Ways to Keep Your Relationship Hot checklist.